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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 9:30 am 
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Posts: 20
FOR RENT:

One 36 yr old former RB with a bad attitude, willingness to stab teammates/coaches in the back, great communication skills (never met a mike I didn't like), great at multi-tasking (playing and trying to find a media career at the same time), limited desire to play (only life choice), teamwork is questionable and I have a great ability to divide a locker room.

If interested, I can be reached at TikiBarberIsAnA**.com.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:11 pm 
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A $50 Lesson:

I live in Boise, Idaho, and recently asked my friends' little girl what she wants to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people’.
Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal,' I told her...
But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.

You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use towards food and a new house.

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 8:44 am 
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nice.


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 Post subject: Know your State Motto:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 8:57 am 
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Posts: 20
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO:

Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.

Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.

California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special

Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"

Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:00 am 
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Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker!

New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal

Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State

Texas - Se Hablo Ingles

Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont - Ay, Yep

Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do

West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:11 am 
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Posts: 20
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:15 am 
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Posts: 20
The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 10:34 am 
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Posts: 20
Latest joke going around on the Web:

A homophob, a rapist and an African-American walks into a bar and the patrons respond:

"can I have an autograph Kobe?".




A similiar joke could be:

A rapist walks into a bar and the patrons respond:

"sorry you lost the Super Bowl Ben"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:10 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 02, 2002 7:00 pm
Posts: 20
Image


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:15 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 02, 2002 7:00 pm
Posts: 20
Image


Image



Image


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